I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
