the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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