he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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