oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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