I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
