I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
