I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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