I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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