i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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