I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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