You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
