im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
