My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
