I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Send help, water and tortillas.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
