My cat gives me a boner
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
