Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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