I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
