Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
her facebook's as public as her vagina
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
