Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
