you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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