u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
