Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
