I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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