i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
