They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
