I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
