Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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