I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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