whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
