If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
