I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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