Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
