We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
