I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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