WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
