remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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