Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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