I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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