So drunk its hurt
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
