Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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