My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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