it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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