Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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