On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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