after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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