I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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