Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
