I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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