I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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