the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
