matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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