I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
