the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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