my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
